E3 2017 may be over but we’re not done poking at it with a sharp stick. Next victim, Ubisoft. Now we know it’s quite popular to hate on Ubisoft these days, and we’d love to jump on the hate bandwagon, but Ubisoft always comes to E3 with a surprise. I’m really looking forward to seeing what kind of surprises Ubi has in store for us.

Ubi wastes no time showing off their new logo with a flashy intro before handing the screen over to the worst kept secret in all of Nintendoland. The show begins with a Rabbid jumping up to hit a coin block from the Mario universe. After a couple of hits his head gets stuck and all hell breaks loose. Another Rabbid comes out, but rather than help him he just pulls on his legs like a rubber band and lets them snap back up as coins keep popping out the top. The teaser ends with a mushroom popping out, the 2nd Rabbid eats it and grows so large both are squished against the screen. This is classic Rabbids bringing their zany antics to the Mario universe and so far it seems like a perfect fit. Once again we have a crowd that is really into the show, always a good sign you’re doing something right.

Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle is real. Yves Guillemot is joined on stage by Shigeru Miyamoto to talk about the new and unexpected crossover title. Miyamoto also brought a couple of life size replicas of the weapons Mario and friends will use. He mentions that before approving this project, he had one requirement, this game had to be unlike any Mario game before it. The two share a brief bromance on stage before handing the stage over to Xavier Manzanares. Xavier calls the game a “tactical adventure” and says it has been in development for over 3 years. He’s excited to finally share the game with everyone and has brought a gameplay trailer to show everyone.

The trailer begins with the Rabbid Peach sniffing Princess Peaches dress, apparently the fuglier Peach isn’t a fan. More humor from the Rabbids side of this mashup, there’s a gigantic toilet with a rubber ducky in it. There are two modes in this game, the first is an exploration mode that resembles your typical Mario game searching for coins and such. The second mode is battle mode and resembles the game play found in an X-Com game. Players have a limited distance they can move on a grid, but they can use a jump option to expand their range. There is various forms of cover, some stronger than others, with at least one type that explodes. The combat seems quite varied and I don’t care how much the traditional Nintendo fans bash this game, I’m sold. When I finally get a Switch, this’ll be 2nd on my list right underneath Zelda. Bonus announcement, Rabbids Amiibos are a thing. For the record, Peach is a badass, and there’s a mutant Rabbid/Donkey Kong love child that doesn’t appear to like bananas in this game. Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle will be out exclusively on the Switch August 29th, 2017.

Next we head back to Egypt for more Assassin’s Creed: Origins. Ubisoft promises that the Assassin’s Creed experience has been reinvented. The latest trailer shows off a short intro with avariety of animals you may encounter in the game. Many of them are predatory animals such as Lions and Alligators. I’ve also noticed that there seems to be more emphasis on navigating the waters in smaller boats, similar to the gameplay from Assassin’s Creed II. The game looks really good so far, but it doesn’t look much different from previous entries. I do think the year away has helped with the franchise fatigue, I’m definitely a lot more excited for this game than I was Syndicate. Assassin’s Creed: Origins will be out October 27th, 2017, the same day as Wolfenstein. October is turning into a very painful month for my wallet. I know it’s made out of leather but that does not necessarily mean it’s into bondage.

Up next is a game no one asked for but Ubi has delivered anyway, The Crew 2. It looks like more racing disciplines have been added. There’s some boat racing, off-road racing and even airplane racing. This doesn’t leave me feeling hyped, I’ve never been a fan of games that support multiple styles of racing. These type of racing games usually nail one or two racing types down but the others are no where near as good, or fun. Graphically the game looks awesome, but we’ve seen an awesome looking trailer for the Crew before and that game sucked more dick than a hooker at a bachelor party.

Here we go, Ubisoft continuing to channel their inner Nintendo, Stephane Beley comes out to talk about The Crew 2 and his accent is so heavy I can’t understand half of what he’s saying. You know what, 10 points for trying buddy but I have no idea what in the fuck you just said to me. You could have called my mother a dirty whore and I’d just nod like ‘I have no idea bro’.

I’ve noticed that Ubi has shown some track racing in this trailer. I’d be interested in that aspect of the game but I’m sure I can get a much better experience from Project Cars 2, GT Sport and/or Forza Motorsport 7. Much like the first game this just seems too ambitious. Even though Ubisoft tends to nail it with their sequels, I can’t imagine myself buying The Crew 2 until it hits the bargain bin. The Crew 2 will be out in Early 2018 and will have another beta test, you can sign up for the beta at thecrewgame.com/beta.

Next up, South Park: The Fractured But Whole. How do you fracture a butt hole anyway? I can see plugging it, and for many that’s a fun afternoon, but fracturing it? I don’t get it. Never the less, South Park: The Fractured But Whole is one of the most anticipated Ubisoft games from the past year. After a few delays, the game has finally locked in a release date of October 17th, 2017. Again my wallet cries the tears of a thousand angels. That’s right, angels, I clipped their wings and shoved them into my pocket. Fast tracking my trip to hell right there with that joke.

In the follow-up to The Stick of Truth, the kids are split into two groups of super heroes with Cartmans group, Coon & Friends, battling another group of kids calling themselves the Freedom Pals. The game looks like more of the same but with butt loads of typical south park humor. In one scene Cartman calls Tweak a ‘butt fucking traitor’ while in another Timmy calls Cartman and his friends douche bags through telepathy. Cartman has to share this news with everone. “He just called us douche bags, in my mind.” As a bonus for all who pre-order the game, South Park: The Fractured But Whole will come with a free copy of South Park:The Stick of Truth.

Next we have a game from Elijah Wood… Wait, are you telling me Frodo is making a game? I’m sorry, I can’t see anything but a fucking Hobbit on my screen right now. Honestly this game kind of looks pretty cool. I’ve been wondering when games would try to revitalize the FMV style games. Not sure what to make of this game, seems kind of cool. Spectrevision, who are making the game say they want you to take off the VR headset and still feel unsettled. I’m guessing this is either some kind of psychological thriller or a drinking game simulator. Could you imagine a developer wanting to make you feel sick while playing their game and dropping the frame rate to intentionally induce nausea increasing the realistic feel of the VR experience? Actually, we’re talking about Ubisoft, the guys who made the fart mask for South Park, I’d believe it. They should have called this Frodo Baggins Makes a VR Game, but Transference isn’t bad either. Transference will be out Spring 2018, VR platforms were not specified.

Here’s a new one, Ubi has created a new IP out of the ship battles from Assassin’s Creed. This one’s called Skull & Bones. Gotta make up for not having an Assassin’s Creed game last year by having two this year right? For those of you who remember the sea battles from Blag Flag, this is basically a multiplayer version of that. The idea seems interesting, but I’m not sure how this game will last long term? It’s a 5 vs 5 online PVP game, but outside of some added boat customization, I’m not sure what other game modes you can expect. It definitely looks cool, but how do you keep the game from getting old really quick.

In a way, this seems like a more realistic version of Sea of Thieves but without the charm and on a much smaller scale. In order to win a match, you must collect more loot than your opponents. Once the battle is over, a collection of Pirate Hunters will come out and attack the ship with the most loot. These Pirate Hunters are the same as the legendary ships from Black Flag, and much like before are too strong to defeat. Your only option is to run. Ubisoft is having a beta test for this game as well, check out skullandbonesgame.com to sign up for chance to play early. Skull & Bones will be plundering your wallets in the Fall of 2018.

Now it’s time for the obligatory Just Dance reveal, because 13 year old girls everywhere need something to feel good about. They start the reveal off with a bunch of dancing robots ripped from Mortal Kombat. These guys aren’t half bad, but the Bubble Pop girls that follow them are just terrible. Oh for fucks sake! Really? A dancing panda? Oh, but there’s live performance by Hip Hop artist Bebe Rexha. Not sure how she managed to fit into those pants, they’re so tight it doesn’t leave much room for imagination, not that I mind. Just Dance 18 will be out in October on all consoles.

More south park? Ubisoft is making a South Park Cowboys and Indians themed mobile phone game called Phone Destroyer, coming in 2017. Not much was revealed though it looks like a simple version of the battles from the two most recent South Park RPG’s.

And the award for most irrelevant game goes tooo….. Ubi shows off a new game on the  Snow Drop engine that looks an awful lot like No Mans Sky. Not sure if Ubi got the memo but No Mans Sky may have been the biggest flop since Daikatana. Nope, Ubi doesn’t read memo’s. It’s a fucking toy game. No, not Pornhub VR, get your mind out of the gutter. Seems Ubi didn’t learn anything from the failure of Disney Infinity and Lego Dimensions? I’m not even sure stores will stock these toys to life games any more. The game has some cool ideas. You build the ship you want to use with physical parts, then attach it to the controller directly. I think I’d rather play this game without the gimmicky toys. The game is titled Starlink: Battle for Atlas and will be out in the Fall of 2018 on Playstation 4, Xbox One, and Nintendo Switch.

Every year Ubisoft is guaranteed to have a couple who gives a fuck moments, so the fact they brought out more Steep qualifies in my book. Announcing DLC at E3 seems like a complete fucking waste. Ubisoft is adding an expansion that ties into the 2018 winter Olympics, due for release on December 5th.

In a complete 180 from the previous reveal, we now turn our attention to Far Cry 5. The Olympics are very much all about coming together and competing together in peace, while the current political climate in the United States has made Far Cry 5 one of the most polarizing games in recent memory. It may seem like perfect timing, but I think that’s merely a coincidence. This trailer doesn’t do much to shy away from the nature of this game, really playing to the whole American cult vibe this game has.

The trailer gives us our first look at how the game plays. You can use friendly AI to snipe from a flanked position, or even invite a friend to play the mission in co-op. They’ve also added a dog, similar to Dogmeat from Fallout, who sometimes brings you guns or ammo. There’s also some crazy vehicles in the game, including crop dusting planes with guns on them and farming equipment like a harvester. It just looks ape shit crazy. Far Cry 5 will be available on February 27th, 2018.

Ubisoft rounds out the show with maybe the biggest surprise yet, thanks to that fucking liar Michel Ancel. Ancel said Beyond Good & Evil would not be at E3, only to show off a nearly 4 minute long trailer for the new game. This definitely looks fucking nuts and is chock full of hilarity. But what has long been rumored to be a Nintendo Switch title came out with a graphical look that the Switch cannot possibly deliver on. Sure, this could be CGI and the game play could be scaled wwwaaaaay the fuck back. However, most modern games use in-engine graphics these days because the quality isn’t that much of a downgrade, especially with the new 4K consoles from Sony and Microsoft around the corner. The game will take place “before the birth of Jade in a distant solar system.” As the show comes to an end you can see some video of game being made in the background, it defo looks more advanced than anything the Switch can handle. No platform or release date was announced, but I would worry if I were a Nintendo fan betting on this being a Switch exclusive, or on the Switch at all. Cross your fingers Nintendo fans. Like several other games, there will be a beta for Beyond Good & Evil 2, visit bgegame.com to sign up, assuming uPlay actually fucking works for god damn once.

That’s the end of the the show. Ubisoft ended on a strong note and the overall presentation was mostly positive. The show got off to a strong start with the Mario + Rabbids game and kept things going by evenly spacing their big games between each of the less popular or more outrageous ideas. After showing a game play demo of another highly anticipated Far Cry game, Ubisoft finished the show with a grand slam.

The only real complaint I have is that Splinter Cell was not at the show, the first time in a long time no Tom Clancy game was featured, and a part of me is heartbroken. My favorite franchise of all time, a sentiment shared by many, still missing in action. But there is hope. If Beyond Good & Evil 2 can make a comeback, so can Splinter Cell.

Of all the shows so far, Ubisoft has had the strongest presentation. The crowd was into it almost the entire time, they brought several AAA titles and had one of the top two games of the entire week on display with Beyond Good & Evil 2. You can bitch and moan about Ubi all you want, they still come out every year with something new and different when most other companies are busy playing it safe. Check out the video below to see the entire press conference from start to finish.

Don’t forget to check out our other E3 press conference recaps and share your thoughts in the comments below.

• EA Games Starts Off E3 With a Whimper.
• Xbox Shows Off the Power of X.
• Bethesdaland A.K.A. Lamesville. Population: Todd Howard.
• Ubisoft Found Guilty of Grand Theft Mario.
• Greatness No Longer Awaits.
• Nintendo Drops the Pokeball.