Nintendo had a half-hour Nintendo Direct dedicated to the 3DS, and there was probably nothing you’d be excited about. But I’ve summed it up below anyway just in case there was.

Fair warning: I was gravely disappointed and I’m going to be mean about it.

NEW GAMES ANNOUNCED

Super Mario Maker for Nintendo 3DS (that’s actually the title) was revealed. It’s essentially a straight port of the Wii U version, except for a few missing key features. You can’t share courses globally, online anymore; instead, courses are only shared through local wireless and StreetPass. No sharing from your Wii U either. You’ll be able to play Super Mario Maker: Crippled Edition this year on December 2.

There’s always someone more creative than you, and you’ll never play their creations.

Tank Troopers looks to be a vehicular combat game where you play as a character designed by your 12-year-old niece, driving a chibi tank that shoots anything but bullets and shells. Think of it like Twisted Metal except created by someone who makes browser flash games for Mattel. At least it does have 6-player download-play local multiplayer, meaning that only one person has to buy this glittered turd for everyone else to play. It’s coming this winter, God help us.

Picross 3D Round 2 is the sequel to Picross 3D. It’s available today. I’m not spending any more words on this one.

Poochy & Yoshi’s Wolly World is a port of the Wii U game, except with a larger part for Poochy, the franchise’s adorable dog. It’ll have all the stages of the console game, plus some exclusive infinite-runner-style Poochy stages, along with a “Poochy pups” powerup. On top of that, there’s a new Yarn Poochy Amiibo I will probably spend tons of money on. I can’t help myself; it’s a problem. So far there’s no word on if the game will still have co-op like the Wii U version did. It’s coming next year, February 3rd.

Mario Sports Superstars will be a new game in the Mario sports genre, featuring FIVE fully-featured sports: Soccer, baseball, tennis, golf and… horse racing? FOUR. Four fully-featured sports, plus horse racing. I must admit that the game looks pleasing to my senses. It’ll have 11-per-team soccer, tennis that looks as good as Mario Tennis, and both offline and online multiplayer. Mario Sports Superstars & Horses For Some Reason is coming out sometime this upcoming Spring.

It’s like Mario Kart, except those aren’t bananas on the track.

Pikmin for 3DS (name not final) will be another 2.5D side-scrolling adaptation in the vein of Chibi Robo: Zip Lash or Kirby: Planet Robobot, except this time it’s Olimar and some of his Pikmin. If someone asked for an illustration of the word “uninspired” you could use a screenshot of this game. It’s all of the cuteness of Pikmin, minus all of the strategy, but also minus the cuteness as well. The background art looks like a shower curtain, no joke. Pikmin-ish 3DS is set to release some vague time in 2017.

OTHER STUFF

Besides the new game announcements, Nintendo also showed off some more from games we already knew about. Pokemon Sun & Moon will have regional variations of pokemon you already know, which look, behave and fight differently despite technically being the same species. There’s also a new attack type wherein your trainer dances or something… I dunno, it’s cool I guess.

Other updates to known games included Mario Party: Star Rush, Dragon Quest VII and VIII, Yokai Watch Bony Spirits and Fleshy Souls, Disney’s Magical World 2, Sonic Boom: Fire & Ice, Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse, and Ever Oasis. Most of those games are scheduled for 2017.

Icy to dull the pain. The deep, deep depressing pain.

Nintendo also pimped out downloadable updates for Animal Crossing: Happy Home Designer (new features), Mii Plaza (new features and games), and Hyrule Warriors (Toon Link & Toon Zelda DLC).

A new New 3DS console bundle with Super Mario 3D Land was revealed. Not sure why, but sure why not? It’s got 2 sets of neat cover plates plus 3D Land pre-installed.

Lastly, they announced a special for Nindies. Starting with Axiom Verge right now, every Thursday the eShop will feature a flash sale for one popular indie game. The next ones are Jotun, Noitu Love Devolution, Severed and finally Gunvolt.

YOU GOT TO THE END!

Congratulations. But also, I’m sorry for wasting your time.

tl:dr The poor man’s Nintendo Direct.