Halo: Combat Evolved

Weee! I’m Drunk.

overall score 95 / 
Jun 1, 15  | reviewed by xa0s (1000)

gameplay 99 / story 90 / graphics 90 / sound 80

Today’s drunk fuel: Vodka, cheap, 80 proof. How much? Damned if I know, but the room is turning fuzzy and my ex-girlfriend just called me to tell me she hates me. UPDATE: Evidently… I know I had two bottles of vodka in my fridge before this, and one of them is now gone. At least it was the yucky Orange-Flavoured stuff, I don’t normally buy that unless I’m going to have girls over anyhow. It’s a secret weapon… Tastes good like wine coolers, but messes you up like vodka! Remember this, all you drunken seducers.

I’ve got to give this one a nine. Fabulous stuff, but I still miss the mouselook from PC gaming. This is about as good as it’s going to get if you’re porting first-person shooters to consoles. At least there’s analog sticks, or this review would degrade into verbal abuse for the remainder. Anyhow, I really like beating the life out of those little Grunts with the Bitch-Slap. Yeah, yeah, Melee Attack button, whatever you want to call it, I use the Green-thumb pad setup just to make it THAT MUCH EASIER to Sitch-Slap Grunts. Or, if you prefer multiplayer, to Bitch-Slap those cocky snipers who don’t play with sound up high, and thus don’t hear me sneaking up behind them to jack them in the back of their heads. Okay, so maybe that’s a lie. I’m more likely to drop a plasma grenade and hope it sticks to them, blowing them to hell. But come on, what’s the point of having a pistol if you can’t pistol-whip your buddy? Oh yeah, graphics are fabulous. I was crouching and looking at the grass… That was gorgeous stuff, photographic quality, I tell you. Until Snowy ran me over with the goddamn Scorpion, so I had to take him down with my shotgun. What can I say? The game is awesome in multiplayer, and the single-player campaigns kick ass in split-screen. Snowy hasn’t forced me to try single-player on Legendary by myself yet, fortunately. There’s definitely something to be said for, “Okay, you go and kill things, Snowy. I’ll stay back here and… um… protect these Marine lifeboats. Yeah.” I just tried to go look for more vodka, but I couldn’t walk the whole seven feet to the refrigerator. This is good vodka. I’m going to try this again. Mmm. It burns going down. Gatorade chasers are great. Don’t mind me, folks, keep gaming hard. This is a great game when you’re sober, but if you try playing when you’re drunk, I guarantee you will get spanked by someone driving a Scorpion.

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Action, FPS



release date

November 9, 2001