Kirby Star Allies

A Sucky Sucky Marathon

overall score 70 / Yes
Apr 14, 18  | reviewed by Killer1022 (1088)

Wishing there was more.

gameplay 84 / story 50 / graphics 85 / sound 85

Nintendo what can I say, you have spoiled me.  I keep expecting great games and you deliver on my fantasies like a well-made porno.  This time however, you kind of left me unfinished.  I’m not saying Kirby Star Allies isn’t a fun game or a game you must play with friends.  What I am saying is it leaves you dissatisfied after a day or two.

If you don’t know who Kirby is, he is a single pink ball sack that sucks in enemies only to copy their abilities.  In this game you can also toss hearts at enemies and turn them into friends, which are either controlled by an AI or friend.  Up to 4 players can drop in/out at any time.  Don’t worry, the AI is not stupid, they actually do what they’re supposed to do.  There are over 10 enemy types that give you abilities like fire, ice, wind, etc, which can kill certain enemies faster.  You can also increase your allies damage.  Working together to solve puzzles and platforming is very fun and the boss fights are decent, but the game is not long, you can probably finish it in 6 hours.  There are also two modes, one being a speedrun of sorts and the other being just boss battles.

The story is fucking stupid, but hey that’s Nintendo.  These stories never make any fucking sense nor do fans care.  Bowser keeps trying to grab Peach’s snatch and Mario keeps cock blocking him.  Kirby here wakes up and has to save the world.  The world looks great.  It is bright, funny, quirky, and kind of gay.  The framerate is smooth but again its not like we’re running Uncharted 4 here.

You would think “man this game is a 90!” but its not.  It leaves me thinking Kirby has no soul, that he’s just a pornstar giving me 30 mins of fun.  You should definitely get this game if you have kids, a girlfriend gamer, or just love Nintendo.  It’s a game you play in-between your main games.  A 20 minute jerk.  This review is short, because this game just doesn’t deserve a long review.  I could tell you all the technical info and an in-depth analysis of characters, weapons, and levels.  But I won’t sucky sucky you for 20 minutes of your time trying to distract from the main point, this game is nothing more than a tease, a time filler when you’re bored.

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category

Action Adventure, Platform

players

4

release date

March 16, 2018

rating

Everyone 10+

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